It has come to my attention that the impending ICCSD budget cuts will severely effect all of the schools of the area next fall. These cuts will impact the entire course of the district for years to come, possibly changing the fate of countless children who now lack some of the opportunities they once took for granted. Upon reviewing the steps taken to cut the budget, it is under my divine judgement that the shredding does not go far enough. In order for the district to continue to function efficiently, I propose a few additional areas of which require additional pruning.

Cut general courses: We must cut the classes that do not follow the curriculum. We must erase from the budget all acting, writing, art, and business courses. The government has made it very clear that the only thing this country needs is more scientists and engineers. People are extremely indecisive anyways, so why give them a choice as to what they want to do? If you’re not curing cancer or building a rocket ship, then you’re a bum.

Cut hours: Electricity is expensive, and so is flushing a toilet. Reducing a school day to four hours instead eight will reduce the cost of school significantly. Imagine throwing a dollar down the toilet every time you flush, which would be about one dollar plus about tenth of a penny for the flush. That’s just about as wasteful as leaving a light bulb on constantly for three months. Better yet, the school should turn off the power altogether. Each student would be given a personal candle, box of matches, and a personal zipper toilet bag to take care of business. The only way for our schools to move forward with this tough is to act like we’re from centuries in the past.

Cut lunch: Most students complain about lunch anyways, and evidently it’s not legal to shove food down their throats. The best thing to do is eliminate the problem entirely. No mystery meat, no more half-cooked pasta, and no more lunch people to pay.

Cut sports: Now this one might be a stretch judging by the history of sports, but it just might work. You see, sports are a form of domestication; applauding athletes for mauling opposing schools, an audience of fellow students huddled in stadiums, finding an escape from the monotonous day-by-day life of an average high schooler. Without sports, life would be pointless for many fans. Riots could ensue, because the only thing more enjoyable than watching a dude kick a ball into a net is flipping cars and starting fires. You see, this is what all the other steps were leading up to; cut their creative pursuits, dim their lights, let their bellies grumble, and then you’ve got a broken student. A broken student walks but does not feel, sleeps but does not dream, and listens but does not talk back. Yes, a broken students can be molded into whatever an administration wants them to be, so we’ll make them into pawns in a global game of war chess.

Budgets cuts hit everybody hard, and it’s important to denote that they really are for the good of the community. These cuts will save the district millions of dollars, which from my understanding, will be used to fund the school pep assemblies next year. So embrace the impending onslaught of frugality, you’ve earned it.