Earth day is the most important holiday there is. Rather than wishing for presents from a large bearded man, or praying for chocolate eggs from the Easter bunny, this day is devoted to supporting the world that carries us through the eternal vacuum of space. Earth day is for the recognition of sustainability, the reduction of waste, and most likely the saving of the whales. Humans, despite all of their beauty products and designer hand soaps, are incredibly filthy creatures. We are destroying Mother Earth, and the only way to save her is to let her go.

Harmful greenhouse gases in the atmosphere are melting our ice caps, making us sweaty, and are making opinion columns like this come to fruition. We cannot stop what we have already started. The end is nigh, and our babies will inherit a world of utter hopelessness and vitriolic despair. Not that it isn’t already like that already, but even more so. To brighten the light of our dimming days, we must move closer to the sun. Venus may be a vast expanse of poisonous sulphuric clouds floating atop the hardened crust of a barren rock land, it’s still far more pleasant on Venus than living in New Mexico during the summer (more realistically, Venus is nicer than New Mexico at any time of the year).

We’ve overstayed our welcome. At first it was all well-balanced, the ‘primitive’ humans would take only what they needed, eating just until everyone was full, and not packing too many pairs of pants for a short vacation. Now, people overeat and call it a food-eating competition (Join us on April 22nd at El Dorado in Sycamore mall for the second annual taco-eating contest! 10% of all proceeds benefit the City High men’s track and field team) . We humans take hour-long showers and don’t always recycle a plastic bottle if a bin is not within a comfortable distance. The world is being killed by negligence, like the goldfish you promised your parents you could raise all by yourself. We must wash our hands clean of our environmental evils, either by using less water when washing our hands, or leaving this planet indefinitely so we can destroy another one.

Just like turning eighteen, moving out of your parent’s basement, or buying a cat; we must make the life-changing leap to the cosmos. In space no one can hear you scream, so no more cops raining on your parades/picnics/rages. Pack your space luggage, strap on your space suit with your little space boots, and hop on a SpaceX rocket into the rural paradise that is the Milky Way, for Mother Earth.