DISCLAIMER: This article (and blog, The Little Hoax) is meant to be satirical. The quotes and points of view expressed are meant to be humorous and are fictional. Do not read any further unless you understand and accept the reality that the following is a satire.

Renowned film director, screenwriter, and puppeteer Wes Anderson released the title of his new film, The Bad Pastel Dad, during a press conference last Saturday held in Anderson’s own treehouse near the Chesapeake Bay. The film is set to premiere in 2019.

According to Anderson, The Bad Seashell Dad will star Bill Murray, Owen Wilson, Jason Schwartzman, and a white-tailed hawk smoking a corncob pipe as bad father figures coexisting in a large, dysfunctional family. Anderson stated the 190-minute movie will have no plot, but, instead, will be largely character driven.

To save on costs, Anderson’s team will recycle old movie sets from The Grand Budapest Hotel and The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, as well as a rustic cabin once owned by Brigitte Bardot, to create a colorful set that evokes nostalgia. Anxious to try out some new photography techniques, The Doodad Blood Cell Comrade will only be filmed from above and feature symmetrical shots.

Also straying from Anderson’s usual song selection of Christmas jingles and instrumental hip-hop beats, Terry Branstad in a Nutshell will highlight only Swedish acoustic covers of classical songs from the 1760s and ‘70s. Film critics are anticipating this fast-paced comedy/drama will be the hit of the 2019 Memorial Day weekend.

Wes Anderson fanatic AJ Boulund ‘17 states he hopes The Shoulder Pad Fad will be “quirky” and “give meaning to his vastly unsatisfying life.”

An Un-Satirical Note: Wes Anderson did announce the title of his legitimate upcoming film, Isle of Dogs. You can watch the video announcement here.