Welcome to your weekly horoscope, brought to you at no expense by the astrological intellects on the rogue staff of The Little Hawk.

Aries: On the 5th you will be abducted by the Pillsbury Dough Boy. You are advised to take preventative measures.

Taurus: Spread kindness. Opossums need love too.

Gemini: For the next week you can only speak in quotes from The Princess Bride.

Cancer: Your love life will become exciting this week. You will meet a tall, dark stranger. These two events are not related.

Leo: You influence your peers greatly, so start a new trend. Come to school wrapped only in your shower curtain. Speak in iambic pentameter and wear a brown paper bag over your head. Whatever you do, others will soon follow.

Virgo: You’ve gotten so good at your poker face, even you don’t know if you have emotions anymore.

Libra: Libras are a capitalist hoax. None of you are real.

Scorpio: Please don’t leave the house this week, for your safety and for the safety of others.

Sagittarius: On the eve of the full moon, you will find yourself facing an intimidating conflict. This conflict is unavoidable, as well as insoluble. Gross sobbing is recommended.

Capricorn: Somebody else has been using your toothbrush.

Aquarius: Your future this week is unreadable, foggy with the whisper of possibility. Will you win a million dollars? Will you be brutally murdered? Will the United States and North Korea enter World War 3? Any and all of these outcomes are possible — remain prepared.

Pisces: You know who you really are, so why do you hide the truth from those you love? Don’t kid yourself, Pisces. Your troop will be nothing but accepting once you come out as a werewallaby.