DISCLAIMER: The Little Hoax and its horoscopes are a satirical blog. (…Or are they?) Follow this advice column at your own discretion.

Aries: Take care when sorting your recycling. Karma is real.

Taurus: Not all those who wander are lost… but you definitely are.

Gemini: You might notice a prevalence of potholes in your driving experience this week. This is probably a metaphor for the rest of your life, too.

Cancer: Beware… you never know when one tiny mistake will change the course of your entire future.

Leo: Exercise caution when using public restrooms this week.

Virgo: Good news: you will receive A’s on all your homework assignments.  Bad news: you will have a lot of homework assignments.

Libra: It may be in your best interest to hibernate until April.

Scorpio: Life is a book, so write your own story. (Please just don’t write it in comic sans.)

Sagittarius: The inhabitants of Venus will arrive on Earth to return you to your home planet now that their experiments are finished. Bid the Earthlings you befriended goodbye, and we wish you safe travels on your voyage home.

Capricorn: Watch out for airborne squirrels.

Aquarius: Nothing weird will happen to you this week, sorry.

Pisces: Whatever you do, don’t give the Starbucks barista your math homework, no matter how often he asks you for it.  Your reaction decides the fate of the universe.