DISCLAIMER: The Little Hoax and its horoscopes are a satirical blog. (…Or are they?) Follow this advice column at your own discretion.

The next week of your life summed up in three words.  Interpret as you see fit.

Aries: Beware sentient fruit.

Taurus: Horde of goldfish.

Gemini: Beauty is pain.

Cancer: Chocolatey hazelnut spread.

Leo: Kim Kardashian West.

Virgo: Social life thriving.

Libra: Plethora of avocados.

Scorpio: Spooky scary skeletons.

Sagittarius: You’re a meme.

Capricorn: Don’t eat bugs.

Aquarius: Anthropomorphous artificial intelligence.

Pisces: Ya like jazz?