DISCLAIMER: The Little Hoax and its horoscopes are a satirical blog. (…Or are they?) Follow this advice column at your own discretion.

Aries: There might be something strange floating in your coffee this week.  Its actual identity is unknown, so it could be very good or very, very bad.

Taurus: Don’t listen to anything Capricorn has to say.  They’ve been plotting your demise for at least a month and will stop at nothing to see it through.

Gemini: Learn sign language.  You’ll need it.  And not for the reasons you think.

Cancer: You will suffer a slow and moderately painful death at the hands of a close confidante.

Leo: Your inner Beyonce will shine through this week.

Virgo: Oh my god, is that Beyonce?!

Libra: You know better than to listen to this horoscope garbage.  The stars are disappointed in you.

Scorpio: In search of a new health regime?  Try the new Pterodactyl Diet.  No, not like where you eat the things a pterodactyl ate.  You only eat pterodactyl.  Costco probably carries it.

Sagittarius: Whatever they tell you, don’t lose faith.  Webbed hands are a blessing, not a curse.

Capricorn: You’ve noticed Taurus has been a little on edge lately.  Invite them to coffee to patch things up.

Aquarius: You will have an epiphany that illuminates for you all the solutions to humanity’s problems.  Unfortunately, you will forget this plan before you have the chance to begin its execution.

Pisces: Run.