DISCLAIMER: The Little Hoax and its horoscopes are a satirical blog. (…Or are they?) Follow this advice column at your own discretion.

Aries: The last movie you saw will metaphorically turn into your reality very soon.

Taurus: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.  It will bite off your face.

Gemini: You will find that many eligible suitors will be flocking to your doorstep this week, eager to court you and gain your love. Unfortunately all of these suitors are ghosts and you can see none of them.

Cancer: Others may resent your success, but your inimitable talent for crossbreeding jellyfish will open new doors for you if you continue down this winding path.

Leo: Submit to Film Fest or a plague will befall you and all you love.

Virgo: Even though you thought you possessed a magical power to control the time and space continuum, it turns out it was all just a big coincidence. However, you could encounter a long-lost love at a beloved childhood retreat, and this will have been anything but chance.

Libra: Contrary to popular belief, there is a limit to how many times one should make eye contact with others in a 24-hour time period.

Scorpio: A friend will go insane and a love interest will become emotionally void. Depending on the order and extremity of these two occurrences, you may also be injured in an unfortunate model hot air balloon incident.

Sagittarius: The last thing you’d ever want to is be like everyone else. So take a risk this week. Enjoy nudism.

Capricorn: Your suspicions were correct. This whole time, you’ve actually been a Virgo.

Aquarius: DON’T TOUCH THE SPINNING RED ORB.

Pisces: You’ve been having a vivid recurring dream it seems you can never wake up from. Unfortunately, this recurring dream is actually just your everyday reality. You need to get more actual sleep. And a grip on your subconscious.