DISCLAIMER: The Little Hoax and its horoscopes are a satirical blog. (…Or are they?) Follow this advice column at your own discretion.

Aries: While those wild vacations may have been worth the adventure, when you return you will find that while out of your friends’ sight, you also left their minds.

Taurus: If someone asks you to lend them your sunscreen, DO NOT give it to them. They will drink the entire bottle before you realize what happened.

Gemini: While you are usually the one seeking answers from the constellations, today the stars are the ones wondering how you’ve already slept through the first week of school.

Cancer: Summer romance? More like summer NOmance! Kiss your August fling goodbye; they’re busy slogging off their emotional baggage (you).

Leo: That Honda you cut off at an intersection back in June has done anything but forget what you’ve done to them.  So watch your mouth… and your back.

Virgo: Finally, the start of school will bring some structure to help guide your tangled, fraying, meaningless life towards a purpose.

Libra: Most people got tan over the summer. You, however, got weird.

Scorpio: You’re finally going to work up the courage to talk to your crush! Unfortunately, it will be right after you’ve finished a very garlicky sandwich.

Sagittarius: Live in denial all you want, but you cannot – and will not – survive on a diet of microwave ramen alone.

Capricorn: Your classes could potentially be really fun this year, were it not for the plot of a nameless classmate to engage in unprecedentedly intense staring contests with you every day.

Aquarius: While it seemed like a good idea at the time, trying to adopt the injured squirrel you found on the way to school will only end in bloodshed, tears, and a thousand soiled lunches.

Pisces: In the wise words of Theodore Seuss Geisel, “Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because it’s about to get a million times worse.”