DISCLAIMER: The Little Hoax and its horoscopes are a satirical blog. (…Or are they?) Follow this advice column at your own discretion.

Aries: It’s usually not every day you find a shrunken head in your freezer, but, uh… this week you may be in for a little surprise.

Taurus: Please say you got your shots…

Gemini: This week’s New Moon signals a universal time for rebirth and renewal. So it’s a perfect time for you to fake your identity and flee the country. Yeah, you know what you did.

Cancer: Good news and bad news. The good news is, the love of your life will finally divulge how they feel about you! Bad news is, they do so while you are on your deathbed.

Leo: The damage cannot be undone. Not even the stars can save you this time.

Virgo: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let’s shake it up a little.

Libra: Venus FINALLY exits the house of Libra on December 2nd. So get ready for some romantic and emotional instability!

Scorpio: [Horoscope privileges revoked]

Sagittarius: http://this.week’s.horoscope/

Capricorn: You Are Now Entering Flavortown. Enjoy Your Visit 🙂

Aquarius: You will wake up in the wee hours of Saturday morning, dressed in only a loincloth and a flower crown, in the freshly shorn grass of the White House front lawn. Whatever anyone tries to tell you, it is not a dream.

Pisces: Diana unblock my phone number I miss you