DISCLAIMER: The Little Hoax and its horoscopes are a satirical blog. (…Or are they?) Follow this advice column at your own discretion.

Aries: To put it bluntly, your dreams are dead and climate change will destroy everything you love.

Taurus: You don’t usually get this anxious about trivial things, so perhaps you’ve been thinking it’s a sign of unpredictable misfortune in the near future. On the bright side, however awful the circumstances may soon be for you, at least your comrades will find the hilarity of it unparalleled.

Gemini: You are about to enter the best month of your life! This will be immediately followed by an unavoidable and near-fatal incident that will upheave your entire life, but for now, sit back and enjoy the gentle fortune blowing your way.

Cancer: The object of your unrequited love may soon requite your love. As long as you sign the contract guaranteeing the ghostly ectoplasm beneath your bed the ownership of your soul, your crush will finally like you back! Cheers!

Leo: Stop lying to yourself and just accept the fact you’re an awful badminton player.

Virgo: You’ve suddenly developed the superpower to be able to tell when anybody is lying to you, and if they are, what the truth actually is! However, in order for this to happen, your brain had to sacrifice the ability to formulate cohesive sentences. And you thought your communication skills were poor already!

Libra: Enter the week with an openness for positive connections. Approach a stranger with outstretched arms and a welcoming grin. Your destiny awaits.

Scorpio: If you are approached by a stranger with an outstretched arm, yank it off of their body and beat them over the head with it. Your destiny has arrived.

Sagittarius: You are definitely going to regret that one traumatizing memory from junior high a little more than usual in a few hours.

Capricorn: We all know you’re a malicious being that has invaded a host body, so you can drop the act. Just do what you came here to do and be on your way; we don’t want any trouble.

Aquarius: They say all the world’s a stage, and you may have been wondering lately what your role in the production truly is. Well, to put it simply, you’re the comic relief who ultimately has no consequence on the outcome of the plot.

Pisces: Do not ignore the tiny man who keeps trying to hold your hand. He has a purpose.