DISCLAIMER: The Little Hoax and its horoscopes are a satirical blog. (…Or are they?) Follow this advice column at your own discretion.

Aries: Last week’s full moon has you feeling super stressed and stretched in every possible direction. Just kidding! The moon has nothing to do with you and you’re just being super overdramatic.

Taurus: A watched pot never boils. Use this to your advantage.

Gemini: When the light turns green, don’t move.

Cancer: Tell me somethin’, boy… aren’t you tired of tryna fill that void… or do you need more? Is there something else you’re searching for?

Leo: I bet you can’t punch every Scorpio you know in the face before the end of the week!

Virgo: There have been a lot of days you considered at the time to be “The Best Day Ever.”  Well… compared to what tomorrow holds… every day of your life should be considered The Best Day Ever.

Libra: You will find yourself possessed with the demonic desire to play Pat-a-Cake with every person you’ve ever had a crush on.

Scorpio: Wiggle your fingers and say the magic words. You know which ones.

Sagittarius: Say “hi” to the Aflac duck for me when he appears in your room as your new sleep paralysis demon!

Capricorn: You are now immune to the judgment of other human beings. You can accomplish anything you want to. Nobody can bring down your positivity or self-confidence. Heads will turn your way and your friends will feel pride at your achievements and power. (Yep, you actually got a decent horoscope this week! But don’t expect it to happen again.)

Aquarius: All eyes are on you to begin the latest fashion trend. Need inspiration? Think faux fur paired with green plaid.

Pisces: When you find yourself at a crossroads, close your eyes and spin in a circle with your arm pointed out. This way you can’t take full responsibility for whatever awful consequences the path you choose leads you towards.