DISCLAIMER: This article and blog, The Little Hoax, are meant to be satirical.  The quotes, reactions, and points of view expressed in this article are meant to be humorous and fictional, and any resemblance to real people is entirely coincidental.

When students returned to school this August, many were shocked to discover the entire upper parking lot was gone. In its place was an enormous, pitch-black hole, chunks of cement still crumbling slowly off the rims and tumbling endlessly into the echoing chasm below.

“I almost drove my car right into it,” Carrie Mark ‘22 said, recalling the harrowing moment she first saw the latest renovation to City High’s campus. “I was just singing along to the radio, racing over 4th Avenue’s speed bumps, and then, BAM! The jock lot’s gone.”

The jock lot, as Mark and most other City students fondly dubbed the location, was once a hallowed ground on campus. For students who made it to school early, the parking spots cradled by the tennis courts and the crosswalk offered a reward of a short walk to and from the building and immediate street access. In after-school hours, it was a place to hang out with friends and enjoy the sun. Students are now sorely missing this beloved space.

“It’s like losing an old friend,” Daniel Hammond ‘21 said. “I’m still very upset it was taken from us, even after having a few months to adjust. I guess I’m still in denial about it. Every morning when I drive up there, it’s gutting, just like it was the first time.”

The mysterious disappearance of the jock lot has caused significant traffic problems in addition to its nostalgic impact. The loss of nearly 80 perfectly good spots in the already difficult-to-navigate parking layout has backed up cars horrifically. It is now common to see many cars parked over the curbs on the sides—and even the middle—of the remaining section of the upper lot. Arguments over secondarily-favorable spots in the jock lot’s estranged cousin, the “pot lot,” have been reported to result in injuries and tears. Students now take extreme measures to avoid the morning traffic.

“One day, I just didn’t come to school,” Anna Moskowitz ‘20 said. “I woke up late because I missed my alarm and I was so anxious realizing I wouldn’t be able to snatch a spot in the upper lot, I just stayed home. I missed a test in AP Physics because of it, but it wasn’t worth risking my life in that chaos.”

It remains uncertain why and how the jock lot disappeared. According to authorities within the Iowa City School District, it marks the beginning of an impromptu construction project that will eventually result in another basement cafeteria, a third gymnasium, and a curling court. Others, doubtful of the legitimacy of these renovation plans, believe it was a rift in the Earth’s plates beneath the school that caused the lot to collapse on itself. However, the general consensus among students is that the teachers demolished it over the summer in an attempt to teach them a lesson.

“I’m convinced they just wanted to put us in our place,” Paul Levak ‘20, a prominent believer in this theory, said. “It was a reminder of the pecking order. Getting rid of so many spaces forced the freshmen to actually park off-campus like they’re supposed to. A lot of kids carpool now, which leaves more room for us seniors to get first dibs like we deserve. I also think they destroyed our favorite spots to make us appreciate what we have.”