DISCLAIMER: The Little Hoax and its horoscopes are a satirical blog. (…Or are they?) Follow this advice column at your own discretion.

Aries: When’s the last time you checked for monsters under your bed? Might want to look into that…

Taurus: You know how in the movie Groundhog Day, Phil Connors is cursed to relive February 2 over and over again for the rest of eternity? Well, that’s about to happen to you, except the day you’ll be reliving is the time in seventh grade you fell down the stairs in front of everybody.

Gemini: Beep boop

Cancer: You’re about to experience the most traumatizing health scare of your life. The good news is you’ll never have the desire to binge-eat tiramisu again!

Leo: Touch it. I dare you.

Virgo: Give in to your inner desires. Drop out of school. Live with the opossums. Be free.

Libra: If the shoe fits, run. They’re after you.

Scorpio: Congratulations! You are the future record-holder for “Most Spider Bites Received Within a Minute!”

Sagittarius: He’s back.

Capricorn: You’ll never want anything as badly as you’re going to want a mortar and pestle tomorrow.

Aquarius: Live long. Love hard. Laugh often. Lose soul. Die violently. Haunt family for centuries. Repeat.

Pisces: Remember when you were supposed to memorize the Gettysburg Address in fifth grade and didn’t know why it would ever come in handy? Well, your time has come. I hope for humanity’s sake that you are ready.