DISCLAIMER: The Little Hoax and its horoscopes are a satirical blog. (…Or are they?) Follow this advice column at your own discretion.

Aries: Don’t go to Fin and Feather over spring break. This may seem like a simple task to obey, but soon the urge to shop there will be overwhelming.

Taurus: Thanks to your bold influence, bad haircuts are back in style!

Gemini: Three words ⁠— paper cuts, everywhere.

Cancer: If your life were a fairy-tale, it would be The Princess and The Frog, but instead of the frog, it’s a blobfish. You are the blobfish.

Leo: DUCK

Virgo: Never underestimate the power of your saliva glands.

Libra: Consider stimulating philosophical questions this week. Is honey vegan? What color are mirrors? Are there cockroaches living in the locker rooms, or are kids changing in the cockroaches’ living room?

Scorpio: You’d better check your email…

Sagittarius: More so than usual, you will be incredibly disappointed that you were not born Amish.

Capricorn: You will finally answer the timeless question — how many licks does it take to get to the center of a bowling ball?

Aquarius: That .01% of germs hand sanitizer can’t defeat? You are what they fear.

Pisces: We all disappoint our mothers sometimes. You just happened to disappoint Mother Nature. Stay indoors for the time being.