DISCLAIMER: The Little Hoax and its horoscopes are a satirical blog. (…Or are they?) Follow this advice column at your own discretion.

Aries: Making fun of your friends is not a hobby Aries, quit it! Try something that will get rid of all that built-up anger: hatchet throwing maybe??

Leo: Leo, repeat after me “I don’t have to look at every mirror I pass.” I know it’s hard, but shopping will be easy because everything looks good on you, so you won’t even need one.

Aquarius: You might really be a good person. Like who actually enjoys helping people? You, I guess… only if they do it your way cause that’s more efficient, right?

Cancer: It’s the crying in your room for an hour after watching a Disney movie, for me. 

Pisces: Don’t get too smug Pisces, seeing Cancer cry makes you cry too.

Scorpio: Scorpio, maybe it’s time to forgive and let go of old grudges…just kidding you’re currently nursing that grudge slowly until the day you get your revenge.

Taurus: Seriously Taurus, stop being lazy! You have 15 overdue assignments! Well, I guess one more day wouldn’t make a difference. 

Sagittarius: Yes, plane tickets are on sale. No, you can’t leave… Sagittarius stop running! Don’t get in that car!

Gemini: Gemini, Gemini, Gemini. There are so many people who want to facetime you and there just aren’t enough hours in the day for you to answer.

Virgo: Please shut up! Nobody wants to hear your opinion on the conspiracy theory of the Matrix. Looks like you’ll tell us anyways. No, I’m not mad at you, stop asking. No, don’t write me a handwritten three-page apology letter. 

Libra: You need to be more selfish. You always do things for other people and it’s making you sad. No, seriously, I can hear Lana Del Rey being blasted from your room on a loop.

Capricorn: Working 24 hours a day is not possible, so relax. And stop being “realistic.” Tiktok told me to invest in Gamestop so I’ll be a millionaire in a few months let me dream, please.