On Tuesday, Ellen Musk contacted The Little Hawk, asking every staff member to tell them “5 things you did last week.” The email, which was written in all lowercase, was purportedly from the Iowa DONE, or Department of Newspaper Efficiency.

Unfortunately, Little Hawk Staff often only write one or two articles a month, and some editors suspect that no one will even notice if many of these writers disappear.

Citing increasing costs, advisor Jonathan Rogers has recommended that the paper shut down its print edition at the very least. With Liberation Day coming up, prices for a ream of paper are expected to jump by as much as 3,000,000%. We at The Little Hawk, however, can’t wait to be liberated from the tyranny of free trade and not having tariffs.

As of now, all staffers have been placed on administrative furlough without payment except for Martha Willard ‘27, who is suspected of having tipped off Iowa DONE at some point last week. This comes after she was brutally denied a spot as editor-in-chief next year in favor of Lily Rantanen ‘26. 

Rantanen has not been seen or heard from since the furlough. If you or someone you know has any information about this, please contact the proper authorities at iowadone@thelittlehawk.com. As a general reminder, if you see something, say something. Unless you oppose our glorious president.